


Don't recall

by Mishtique



Category: K.A.R.D (Band)
Genre: F/M, KARD, This is quite dark, only gets good after the 3rd chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:58:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mishtique/pseuds/Mishtique
Summary: Somin loved Matthew, but that's before he became BM. She hates him now, but he still loves her, wanting to give her the best, and that's with him





	1. First

**Author's Note:**

> this was the first full chaptered kpop fic I finished. The start might not be the best but it gets good (better?) after the 3rd chapter. English is not my full language. (I'm reposting all my finished fics from AFF here~)

K.A.R.D. – Don’t recall

Get off me, get away from me

I hate it ‘cuz it’s dirty

Don’t touch me

Somin glared at her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. If she could, she would slap that smirk off his face right now, but her hands were tied together behind her back so she could only do so much, and slapping her ex-boyfriend wasn’t one of them. “Sweetie,” he began, “don’t look at me like that. You know I only want the best for you, and that’s with me.” His Hand put back a few strands of her hair and slowly followed the curve of her neck, her jawline and ending at her chin, only to move her head so the only thing she could look at was him. “My sweet, sweet Somin,” he stopped talking to place soft kisses on her jawline, every kiss coming closer to her lips. “How innocent of you to think I would just let you go.” He pulled her into a harsh kiss and even though she struggled against his hold, she knew she couldn’t win this. It had always been this way. No matter how much she did or didn’t want something, Matthew was the one making the decisions. He kissed her even harder, making her feel dizzy because of the little air she could get. After a bit, she stopped trying. He would let her go when he wanted to, not when she wanted. When Matthew finally noticed she wasn’t getting enough air and decided it had been enough he let her go. “See you tonight, my dear,” and with that, he was gone.


	2. second

I don’t know you nymore

You act like you don’t know me no more

You look at me like you know everything

I don’t want this feeling

 

Somin had broken up with Matthew once, before he became BM. Now she knows it had been the best decision she ever made yet she had reversed it because back then she regretted it. Matthew had been the most important thing in her life and she somehow couldn’t do without it. He now uses it to hurt her but back then he had already known and taken advantage of it.

_She was at the club with the girls, like she promised, but didn’t enjoy it like she did when she went with Matthew. Her friends noticed really fast, even though she tried to hide it, so when she said no to dancing they were not surprised nor did they say anything about it._

_She let her eyes wander once she couldn’t see her friends on the dancefloor anymore. A familiar pair of eyes staring back at her schocked her so much, it made her choke on her drink. She immediatly looked tot he other side of the room, trying to stop te racing of her heart and her blush._

_When she noticed a new presence next to her she turned around, looking right into the eyes of the not-so-stranger and all her work of calming her heart and blush was gone in a second. “My sweet, sweet Somin,” he said, so close he could feel his breath on her skin. “What are you doing here alone?”_

_“I’m not alone,” she said with confidence, secretly proud of herself for not letting her voice do anything strange, “I’m with my friends.” Matthew took a look at the dancefloor and then looked back at Somin. “I don’t see any of them,”and he smirked._ _ Somin _ _also took a look at the dancefloor to confirm that, indeed, her friends still weren’t anywhere to be seen. “They’re here though, so you can go.” She really needed him to go since she wasn’t sure for how long she could resist him. “Are you sure?” He came even closer and it didn’t take long for Matthew to kiss her. Somin wanted to slap herself for not resisting it, but flashbacks came into her mind and made her miss their past, so she kissed back. “I knew you couldn’t resist,” Matthew said once they broke their kiss, with his trademark smirk on his face. Somin slapped him lightly but let him lead her to the dancefloor._


	3. Third

Don’t look at me like that

Don’t push me away no more

I gave you all my love love

All of my love love

Never want to let you go

 

Somin woke up when she felt someone shaking her roughly with big, strong hands around her shoulder, just a little too strong.

It wasn’t light in the room so she could open her eyes with ease, met with a sight she wasn’t particularly enjoying. Matthew’s face was too close for her liking, but when she studied it she noticed not one bad emotion on his face. He looked somehow worried, as if something bad was happening. Once she felt and probably looked fully awake Matthew sighed noticeably and hugged her in a way they did back then, but Somin didn’t relax.

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” said Matthew after he broke the hug, but he visibly flinched when he saw Somin’s face. Somin tried not to be affected by his words after all he did but her defence cracked when he flinched. He was the most beautiful back then when he smiled, making the sun look like nothing, and he still did, but her thoughts were stopped when she heard her name being called. “Did anyone touch you? Somin? Did anyone come in here?” She frowned, who, with the exception of him would come down here, let alone touch her? “No, why?” Her voice was soft, not daring to speak loudly after he got mad one time because fo it, but she was happy it didn’t crack.

“We got attacked and they invaded the house. I thought they took you since they also invaded the basement and the security camera’s  stopped working. We had to fight them so I couldn’t come to you immediately.”

Somin tried to fidget as little as she could but the paper poked in her skin and the thought of it being found scared her, a lot. She looked down and started speaking. “Nobody came down here so nobody touched me. I’m totally fine.”

He stayed silent for a bit and Somin felt something shift and not in a good way. His hands were on her shoulders again but it felt different than when he was waking her up. She was lifted from her sitting position, putting her on her legs that were weak from not being used for so long. “You ungrateful bitch!” and a slap followed soon after. Its force was so strong and unexpected Matthew to react. It was her plan to calm him, not make him mad. She didn’t know her words would have this effect.

Her head was in between his hands, her body locked between the wall and his body. It felt as if his eyes wanted to take in every little detail, as if it was searching for her weak points. “I care so much for you but you are not grateful for anything! I do so much for you but you are not grateful for anything! I do so much but you act like you don’t get anything at all!”

Somin was whimpering at the end and wanted to disappear. She unconsciously made herself as small as possible but Matthew didn’t want anything like that. He took her chin in his hand and made her look at him. “I’ll make you beg for forgiveness and you’ll tell me you’re sorry and won’t act like that again.” Every word he said was laced with venom and he finished with a harsh kiss on her lips.

It took Matthew five minutes to calm down. Five minutes of silence and Matthew walking around in a way that made Somin anxious herself. After those five minutes he finally sat down, right in front of her. “Back then,” he began, “I did everything for you. It’s time for you to pay me back. You’ll do the work nobody else can do. Work I need a female who I never had for, but now I have you. Your first job will start tonight. You’ll be transferred to a bedroom where they’ll prepare you and there I’ll inform you about the details of the job. I know you don’t want to do this, but for every job you complete I can and will give you something; a communication device so you can slowly get accustomed to the social world again or a piece of freedom. Request and use them wisely.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this is where the real story begins


	4. Four doesn't want it to turn around

Don’t look at me like that

Don’t come any closer

You need to let it go go

Leave me alone lone

Never want to turn it around

When Somin was taken to a new room she couldn’t help but look around. This was the first time she got outside her cell. She would have loved to be able to be outside the basement but she hasn’t been outside her cell for months so even the halls of the basement feel like heaven. The change of scenery was like a present she really needed.

The room she was standing in was very bright compared to her cell. The cell only had one small window that delivered light, but this room was white, mirroring the bright light that came from the window in which she could actually look outside. The amount of sunlight she was currently feeling on her skin made her feel like she was bathing in sunbeams. Her world stopped for a bit, enjoying one of the things she missed greatly in these past few months.

However, her moment was broken when one of the men that had taken her to her new room expressed his annoyance by fake coughing. She turned around, bowing, dismissing them without any words spoken. They all left, with the exception of one.

Somin raised her eyebrow questioningly. As happy she was that they escorted her and not BM, she wasn’t really liking the thought possibly having a guard around her 24/7. He spoke immediately.

“Your first mission is tonight. You have to be ready in two hours. Prepare yourself for a formal event.  The maid will bring some clothes in which you can change after showering. More details will be delivered tonight.” With that, he left.

Somin, still standing in the middle of the room, decided that she had to explore before taking a shower.

The room she was standing in had a big, white, fluffy-looking bed in the middle of it. On the nightstand next to her bed was a, somehow scary looking, alarm. There wasn’t anything else but the three doors; one led to a bathroom with a luxe shower and amazing big bath, behind another one was only a toilet with two boxes; to her relieve, but also her embarrassment, filled with things she will need when on her period.

Back in the cell she actually had a shower and toilet, but they were very primitive and there were no such things as she has now. Every time she got on her period she would have to ask BM for the stuff she needed and new clothes, which was humiliating.

One other door led to a room that should have been a walk-in-closet, but it was totally empty. She then decided to shower, dropping her dirty clothes next to the door of her bathroom. When she felt the warm water on her skin she felt calm – for the first time in a long time she felt herself relaxing.

She loved it.

They were in a car that looked way too expensive to be real. There was a man with black tinted sunglasses in front of her; the driver. BM was sitting next to her but hasn’t said anything directed to her yet. He was too busy calling a different person every five minutes, talking different languages which she couldn’t understand. She eyed her shoes that peeped from under her dress. The black pumps were high and she probably wasn’t going to survive the whole night on them, but she had to. The dress she was wearing was simple yet very elegant. She touched the fabric and it left her shuddering. It felt like a human's skin.

It seemed like he finished his call since the phone finally left his ear. “Somin,” he started.

“Yes,” she replied, and after swallowing, “Master.” One of the things she has to do now as she learned through the information she received from the maid was calling him master. His real name and even BM, even though she didn’t acknowledge that as his name, were absolutely forbidden. Punishment would be carried out immediately. She doesn’t even want to think of what it could possibly be.

BM didn’t show any emotion after hearing her speak but she felt as if she could see a different glint in his eyes. More predator-like. She shudders at the thought and he notices.

He smirks.

A second later he starts speaking again.

“The plans for tonight will be this,” he says, “so use that bad memory of you to make sure you don’t forget one thing.

We will be a couple and just listen to the opening speech. Nothing strange. Then, like everybody, we will dance. Act like you’re enjoying yourself for once, please. While dancing, we search for a certain mister Wisselink. He won’t be hard to find. He’s a foreigner, tall, rough looking and in all ways different from the Korean men that are attending. Even though there will be other foreigners even you will be able to figure out who he is.

You’ll dance with him. Drink here and there and then go back to dancing. Go talk with him about the stupid things you always do and make sure he drinks enough. After an hour or so and you’re sure he’s drunk enough you take him to one of the private rooms.

Seduce him, talk to him. Try to figure out on what time the weapons will arrive tomorrow. Be sneaky and do it good. Make sure you don’t let him touch you too much. I don’t allow others to touch what’s mine and this mission is an exception but there are limits. If I find out he touched you too much punishment for you will follow, sweetheart. So don’t act like the slut you are.

 I’ll be able to monitor everything through your earrings since they have the best microphones, so even the softest whisper can be heard. Just so you know. Knock him out once you have the needed information and return immediately to me.”

“Yes, master.”

How will she be able to meet _him_ without BM knowing?

She suddenly longs for the calm the shower earlier gave her.

The door opened before Somin could do it herself. Back when they were dating, she would have melted at this gesture, but now, now it just shows that BM is the one here who decides what’s gonna happen. Somin wants to huff but BM’s eyes tell her that punishment will follower after each mistake so the fake smile stays plastered on her face.

She takes his hand when she exits the car and makes sure her dress is perfect with her other hand. Luckily there is nobody outside except for a servant, so nobody will talk about the awkwardness she was surrounded with at first.

Her feet hurt with every step she takes but she’s able to make her smile even brighter, if not faker. She nods to the servant as thanks when he opens the door for her but BM doesn’t even spare the man a look.

BM takes bigger steps than she does so she has struggles with keeping up. To keep up she has to take more steps what makes it look like she’s running. He notices and just says: “You’re supposed to walk, not run.” Somin couldn’t hold back this time and bites back that he could just walk slower. BM looks at her but doesn’t reply.

Somin smirks when she feels him slow down.

The opening speech wasn’t anything special and Somin wonders why everybody was clapping so enthusiastic but she played her part and did the same.

The dancing started and BM led her to the dancefloor where they began waltzing slowly. He made them close, really close and Somin couldn’t appreciate the things her heart was doing.

“You’re playing your part really, really well sweetheart. If you can keep this act up I might reward you twice. “ The thought of a reward shouldn’t make her happy, she’s not a dog, but the thought of being able to communicate with the outer world made her really excited.

In response, she just smiles.

They dance a few more times before BM suggested she should start the plan. “I’ll dance with some others so I can get near him,” she informs him of her plan. He nods, clearly happy with her want to start the mission. He slowly rethreads back to the table with drinks and Somin takes this as the starting sign of her mission.

 She tries not to look around too obviously but the man finds her before she can find him. He approached fast and sweeps her with him into another dance. A face that you would never forget once you saw it lean closer and a smooth voice came out soft-looking lips, whispering a message.

 “ Somebody will infiltrate once it’s possible. The mission will start in two months and will be ended as soon as possible.”

The song was done and with that, her partner was gone. Two months… That’s a long time. She felt tears coming up but she rubs them away immediately. At least they’re coming to get me. She recalls the description of the man and slowly dances her way to him. The rest of the night is something she would like to forget.

 ♥

She’s walking next to BM again, this time to the exit.

“The mission went perfect, what do you want?”

“A phone.”

 One step closer to freedom.


	5. Back to the fifth

Don’t recall 

chapter 5

Back to the fifth

 

Don’t recall when we were good together

Hounts me linke a ghost

You need to let it go go

Leave me alone lone

Heart pounding moments no no no no no

Stop, I don’t recall

 

She was laying on her queen-size bed and it felt as expensive as it looked. She was still tired from yesterday as its activities had ended very late. Breakfast had been served a few hours ago and since it looked too good to get ignored she ate to her heart's content, with the silent thought back in her head that there was a possibility of not getting food anytime soon.

Her eyes closed again and she turned on her side, only to bump against a leg. She forced her eyes to open again and saw BM sitting there, staring back at her in a way that  slightly creeped her out but was still acceptable. He probably entered while she was dozing off and she could only blame herself for not noticing. The staring started to make her even more uncomfortable so she closed her eyes once again, nuzzling her face closer to the pillow as if her head could and would disappear if she pushed hard enough. Sadly that didn’t happen. A hand went through her hair and all the sleepiness she felt minutes ago disappeared in one second, her brain now fully awake, progressing everything that was happening and she was feeling. His breath touched her uncovered neck, making her shiver.

“My sweet, sweet Somin.. You’re so angelic when you’re like this.. If only your actions were like the angel you look like..” Somin bit the inside of her cheek and tried to not wince at that comment.

.. If BM only was like he was back then….

_Somin walked out of their shared bedroom, hair slightly damp from showering, the smell of her conditioner spread through the room and Matthew looked up with a raised eyebrow. “Where do you need to go this late?” I got called by my boss, there were too many people that suddenly called in sick and if I didn’t come she would have to close the shop tonight. You would know that but you were too busy with those work calls,” she answers, huffing lightly. BM looks as if he wants to say more but decided not to. A wise decision, in Somins opinion. She searches for her work shoes hand hurries back to the door once she found them. “Mat, shall I go by bike of do you want to drive me?” She asks, checking her phone to see the current time. She had 10 minutes left if she wanted to be there at the time she promised her boos to be there, so she could cycle without getting much too late but it was already dark and quite late so she doesn’t know if Matthew would let her go by bike._

_“I would rather drive you there but I have to bring a quick visit to a colleague of mine and I will need the car for that and I don’t know how late exactly, so it could be possible that it is at the time you’re done with work.”_

_Somin just hums as response and practically flies by Matthew to give him a peck on his cheek and then runs outside to get her bike._

_Once she’s on her way she starts thinking. Why the hell did Matthew have to visit a colleague so late? Somin knew his work wasn’t exactly a normal one but that was all she knew about it; he didn’t want to tell her one thing about her job, with the exception of when she could expect him to be home or not. She noticed that he was more stressed than usual lately, which would result in more anger issues but she knew him for a long time so she knew how to handle it._

_She shakes her head as if she could shake the thoughts away and takes out her earbuds since it wouldn’t take much longer until she would arrive at her work._

_By stopping the music and taking out the earbuds she allows her hears to hear all the details from the sounds of the night again and quickly notices something off. Around this time most people would be either in groups, already at the restaurant, or going home, usually a little or more influenced by alcohol which is why the hushed sound of feet would make no sense._

_She looks around but doesn’t see anyone, the dark of the night with the exception of lights of the restaurants greeting her. It’s probably paranoia, she knows. Matthew tells her many times that she has to be alert but not scared; being scared would only make her do things that would endanger her even more. She starts cycling harder even though she knows that nobody is following her and that it probably just was her mind playing with her but it made her feel saver and that was the only thing that matters._

_When the sound of feet appears again, this time faster, she knows it’s not her brain playing with her and doesn’t waste time looking around; she starts cycling even faster. She let out a small “yahs” when her work comes in sight; she’s closer to being save again._

_Other than that, nothing strange happens. It’s busy at the restaurant so she only has time to think of the orders of people, not the people following around, and she knows she saved her boss because according to how fast she has to walk right now it would be either a hell for her boss to do it all alone or very sad since a lot of money is spend on food and drinks at nights like these and missing it just because she didn’t want to come work._

_It’s already 12 when the last people decided to go home and everything was done for the next day, so she sits down with her boss for a drink before going home. They talk about how incredibly annoying it is when employees decide to call in sick when we all know the truth – they either didn’t want to work tonight or had something else planned what apparently was more important. She’s laughing when her phone goes off and to her surprise it’s Matthew. She raises her eyebrow at the sight; if he wanted to know when she would come home he would message her since he knows she can’t accept calls while she’s working so she picks up._

_“Mat, why are you calling?” She asks, hoping he can satisfy her curiosity, but instead of an answer she gets a loudly breathing Matthew, as if he just ran._

_“Are you home right now?” The panic was audible through his voice._

_“No, why do you ask? What’s wrong? What’s happening?” The panic of Matthew, who never panics, like, never, makes her panic._

_“Stay where you are and make sure you’re not alone and able to defend yourself!” and with that he hangs up. She puts her phone on the table and her head on her hands, how she wished that Matthew would tell her more at times like this!_

_It doesn’t take long until the door is thrown open with force which scares her boss but not Somin, she’s just happy to see Matthew there. Somin walks to him and tries to hug him but Matthew stops her to check on her. “You’re alright, nothing happened to you?”_

_“No, I’m totally fine” and she struggles to make Matthew stop. She sighs and looks up to him, “Are you in the mood to tell me what the hell is going on right now?” He looks back in her eyes and pecks her, just enough to let their lips touch, “I can’t tell you, sorry.”_

_Her bag was on the table behind her and Matthew walks over there to grab it, greeting her boss shortly while doing so and then returns back to her. “We’ll leave your bicycle here, we can go fetch it another time. I’m here with the car so let’s leave now,” and that’s the only warning she gets before he drags her with him to the car. “Are you planning on telling me anytime soon?” No reply. “Matthew, can’t you tell me for once?” No reply. “Goddamnit Matthew, you know how much I hate it when you keep secrets from me!” The door of the car opens and he urges her to sit down. She sits down and he closes the door again but not before she shoots a dark look at him. He sits down at the driver’s seat and Somin looks at him with another dark look. His driving is fast and abrupt._

_He doesn’t start talking; he just drives, and Somin is done with it. “When are you planning on telling me anything?! We’re in this relationship for a hella long time now but you don’t trust me enough! You always say you’ll tell another time but you never do and today you even said that you couldn’t tell me? Then tell me, what kind of thing can you not say to your fucking soon to be wife?!” Somin was mad, furious, and she was planning to let him feel every single part of it._

_“It has to do with work,” he replies and Somin waits for more but there is no more._

_“Goddamnit Mat! That’s no explanation and you fucking know it! You don’t even tell me what kind of work you do so how the fuck should I know what happened when it has something to do with your work?! I swear to god, Mat, if you don’t explain it right now--”_

_Matthew cuts her of, “Somin, I love you, but for fuck’s sake could you be silent? I’m trying to drive home as fast as possible and not have an accident while doing that and your talking doesn’t make it easier.”_

_Somin is baffled. She turns to look at him and keeps staring at him for a bit more until she turns back to stare out of the window. She wants to cry. She felt so defeated, so frustrated that nothing would be better than crying. Crying like nobody sees her, screaming, screaming at Matthew, screaming at the world and then exhaustedly go back to crying. That’s what she wants to do right now. Matthew’s response is un-fucking-believable._

_The whole ride is silent and the walk to their apartment is the same; the tension sensible. When they enter the apartment Matthew mutters something to her surprise. “Be happy I saved your life. You could have been dead by now.” She wants to ask more questions now but she decides against it; she gave up._

_Matthew sleeps on the cough that night while she lays in bed; staring at the white ceiling until the tears slowly start coming and sleep haunts her down that night._

_Matthew slips in the bed the next morning and embraces her; cuddling her into his chest._

_Somin doesn’t ask and Matthew doesn’t answer._


	6. The good things of the sixth

The good things of the sixth

Don’t mean a thing anymore

Stop, I don’t recall.

BM left with a kiss and Somin finally relaxed. BM might not be her boyfriend anymore, not the one she had before, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t remember the life from before anymore… She turned a few times, adjusting her pillow and changing positions but once she found a way to lay that she liked she left of to dreamland, off to a journey full of good and bad things she wanted yet couldn’t forget…

_Their first date was when she was 16._

They met for the first time when Somin was working; Matthew tired from work, his colleagues and life in general. Somin could see his tiredness in his eyes and decided to change that. A cup of coffee that was blacker than the bags under his eyes was placed in front of him. His head went up, shocked, as if he was falling asleep at the table in the middle of the café. A tired smile appeared on his face and Somin couldn’t help but smile back. “You seem like you need one, try to wake up. It’s on the house.”

The man took a sip and Somin could see it kicking in; he winced at first, probably not used to drinking black coffee, and blinking a few more times. He looked up again and a wider smile appeared this time. “Thank you, I needed that.”

Their first date didn’t happen much later.

Matthew kept coming to the café and it didn’t take long for them to greet each other like friends when he would enter and call each other by their first name, despite their four year age difference.

It was a spring summer when Matthew entered the café with his usual suit on, walking to the table every regular knew was claimed as his and waited till Somin was ready to take his order.

“Matthew, you’re early! You want your regular?”

“Not this time Somin,  I want to try something new.”

Well that surprised her. She knew Matthew as a man that always took his black coffee with a piece of apple pie without whipped cream after the first time she gave it to him.

“Oh, what would you like then?”

“A date.”

The other people in the café looked at them in amusement, some a bit shocked. The regulars under the people had fun watching their interactions over the weeks, waiting for either of them to make a move since the mutual attraction was obvious except themselves. The shocked ones were either the new people, shocked by the fact that a customer dared to say that to a waitress, or the other man that came by once in a while, who thought they had a chance with Somin.

She herself didn’t look so shocked then.

“When?”

“After your shift ends?”

“Alright. Now back to the actual ordering, we got other customers,” she got interrupted by a regular saying “don’t worry girl, keep talking with your soon-to-be boyfriend, we have fun watching you guys” but totally ignored him, “to serve. Regular?”

“Yes please.”

He took her to a fancy restaurant which looked more expensive than Somin could ever afford with the bit money she got from working at the café but Matthew didn’t act stiff just because of the setting and Somin enjoyed it to the fullest.

Many more followed after that.

_They moved to their apartment a week after she turned 18._

Somin first thought it would be impossible to convince her parents to let her live with her boyfriend but once they met Matthew they didn’t have any arguments to not let her go; he could effortlessly pay for the expenses Somin couldn’t pay yet, they knew, even though he told them that he couldn’t tell them about his job and he knew how life worked so their Somin would be in save hands.

(Next to the fact that they didn’t have to pay for Somin now anymore, which is something they didn’t really enjoy doing.)

Let’s say they fully enjoyed their first night at their new place.

_They broke up for the first time more than a year later, but they didn’t stay apart for long._

You already know that story though.  After the breakup their love was stronger than before, which made Somin not regret getting back together. The makeup sex might have helped with that feeling.

_A few months after that the incident with Matthew picking her up from work in panic happened._

They really never talked about it, not even a word. Their life continued like it was before, just with a Matthew that was even more protective than before.

_Another period of months after that was the moment her normal life ended._

She woke up with her hands bound behind her back and since then she had been living in confusion, only getting bits of information these past weeks.


	7. Seven is filled with loneliness

**Seven is filled with loneliness**

Loneliness lingers on my skin

Gives me shudders, blame it on our neglet

Guilt follows me like a shadow

Decal uh comania, my price to pay

For all the stupidity in my past

Tangled like a ball of thread,

pointless living in the faded memory,

miserable

I hope that (I hope that)

I hope you hear my monologue

It’s not showmanship, it’s true

Her body was stiff when she woke up in a position that she would never consider comfortable but her body liked to form itself like that once she wasn’t in control anymore. She pushed herself up, forcing her mind to wake up so she could properly function. The light that shone in her room through the small window got reflected by the white walls helped her. Life suddenly looked way brighter.

A shower was a really appealing thought and so she went there, but not before looking in the walk-in-closet. It might have been empty the first time she looked at is but now it was filled with clothes which were all not-so-surprisingly her size and her taste. They were not the ones she had at the apartment she shared  with BM back then but that didn’t matter. If you looked at the quality these were way better (and they looked way more expensive). She found herself an outfit that looked comfortable and went to the shower.

Once the hot water hit her back she started to think. It was probably early since the sun had been bright but didn’t give as much warmth as it looked like it should. BM had been in her room after the very late breakfast and stayed with her for, say, an hour and after that she fell asleep again… So that means she practically slept for a whole day?!

There were enough shampoo and hair conditioner to choose from, many scents and many different goals. The coconut scented ones stood in the front and Somin tried to ignore them – it was her favourite scent but she knew BM knew that too -  but in the end she still took the coconut ones. She didn’t want to satisfy BM by choosing the things he specially prepared for her but they looked and smelled so good that she couldn’t help herself.

Once she was back in her room her thoughts were confirmed by the still scary looking alarm. It was early. Way too early. Six in the damn morning. She never imagined that she would ever wake up at six without getting woken up but then again, this wasn’t exactly a normal situation anyways. She sat on her bed and only noticed the package on her nightstand now. The paper it was wrapped in was so white that you almost didn’t notice it on the nightstand that was just as white but the paper it was placed on gave it away.

Her hands took both the package and the paper carefully of the nightstand and then she found out that the paper wasn’t just blanc. It was filled with neat writing that Somin easily recognized as BM’s and she put the package down next to her to read the letter first.

‘My sweet Somin,

I hope you slept well. I almost got worried since you didn’t do anything other than sleep yesterday but I guess the mission took so much energy from you that you needed it. I promised you a phone after the mission and didn’t have the chance to give it to you yesterday so I brought it to you now.

It’s only a phone though. It doesn’t have anything else.

If you want to get the wifi code you will have to continue your last mission. Go outside of your room, don’t worry, the door isn’t locked and there won’t be anyone tackling you down. Wait there for a bit and a person will come to you. Request to see me and he will lead you to me.

Yours,

Matthew

She opened the package and ended up with a shining Samsung in her hand. It was too big for her liking, one of those that couldn’t even fit in your pocket and wouldn’t be her first choice if she had to buy a new phone but then again, it was BM that got this for her and BM always had something for taking it one step further than she would have done.

It happened just as BM wrote in his letter and it didn’t take long for Somin to stand in a room she assumed was BM’s office. He looked up once they entered and he closed his laptop immediately. “I see you found the letter and your phone?” She nodded.

“Does this mean I have to do a mission for every little thing though?”

BM stood up and moved to the front of his desk, now standing in front of her and leant against his desk.

“Yes. For every app you want to download you’ll have to do a mission. You’ll also have to do a mission for every 5 messages you want to send and they all will be checked by me, so trying to escape isn’t going to work.”

Damn. How the hell was she going to escape now then? She got the number of her contact person saved on a paper that’s always in her bra, so BM finding it is impossible, but even if she can contact _him_ now she can’t just plain ask for help.

“Okay. What’s the next mission?”

And so it goes. It takes three missions before she gets any messaging app, another one to save a contact (“It’s that new co-worker that just started working at the restaurant before you decided to start this _life style_ and I just want to thank him for taking over the shifts of mine and apologize for leaving the restaurant without teaching him properly first” is her reason for putting him in her contact first. BM looks at her strangely but doesn’t ask her anything, which she thinks of as strange but she shrugged it off. She had to be happy that she didn’t have to lie more since that definitely wasn’t her best quality) and another one to be able to send a message to him, which meant she it took almost two weeks to message _him_.

It’s hard to think of a way to message with him without alarming BM but she thought of messages with possible double meanings that would make him understand yet BM wouldn’t.

“Hi, it’s Somin, remember me?” _Hi, it’s Somin, I finally found a way to contact you._

“Hey, of course I remember you! You were supposed to teach me but you suddenly disappeared.” _Great. Took you a long time though._

“Sorry about that! I wanted to apologize for not being able to teach you. How is work going without my training?” _Sorry, how is the mission going?_

“It took me around 2 weeks to finally know how everything works but I’ve been working here with pleasure now. I planned my holiday that’s in three weeks though, I’ll finally go to my dream country.” _We worked hard the past 2 weeks. We’ll be able to get you out of there in three weeks._

“Where are you going and what did you plan? Since it’s your dream country you probably have big plans.”  _What’s the plan?_

“I’ll stay there for two weeks which I’ll try to live there as a normal civilian would, not a person on a holiday. After those two weeks I’ll go to the other side of the country and fully enjoy live as a holidaymaker and I’ll take my girlfriend with me. And sorry Somin, we’ll have to talk another time again, my break is over already and my boss is calling.” _I’ll infiltrate together with a girl for two weeks. After those two weeks we’ll start the mission to get you out. This is the last message you’ll get from me._

Doing missions for her phone seemed useless now she couldn’t message _him_ anymore.

She didn’t do any missions for a few days but the only one who she was allow to text without doing missions was BM. When she wasn’t doing missions she had to be in her room, and being alone in a room for days isn’t exactly so Somin decided to message BM.

“Can I come up?”

“Go ahead. I’m in the office. I hope you can finally remember which stairs to take.”

“Ok.”

Let’s just say that the basement is bigger than she had ever expected and it wasn’t that much of a surprise that she had messaged BM multiple times with an “I’m lost” once she was allowed to come up by herself.

BM looked as if he didn’t notice her once she entered his office. He probably knew it, he somehow knew everything, but he was too busy typing on that laptop of his but it had apparently riled up since the sounds of his fingers hitting the keys could be heard through the office. Somin cleared her throat and  BM finally looked up and nodded, pushing his chair away from his desk. She knew what he wanted and did so. She hadn’t seen BM much these past days but when he was tense from stress when he visited her for short periods of time or, at some rare moments, requested to see her but she quickly noticed what helped him calm down.

_Her being close to him._

So she did. She walked to him and sat down while he rolled them both back to his laptop. Somin had to wiggle a bit to find a nice position but once she settled down she started reading his screen. He was writing an email to a, she assumed, client of his who didn’t pay him.

She finally knew what kind of work he did though, currently sitting on the lap of one of the biggest names of the black market. That was probably the only good thing that came from this _situation_ , next to the fact that her cell got upgraded to an actual room.

He sent the email and slammed the laptop shut and Somin wondered how the poor thing survived all the slamming it received from BM but didn’t question it. BM questioned her though.

“Why did you want to see me?”

“You said I could do missions for freedom right?”

A silence.

“I did. Do you want to get away from here?”

A shake.

“I just want to be able to ream through the building without being restricted. It gets lonely and boring in a room really fast. I just want to walk around the building when I’m not sleeping or bothering you. Next to that you got your workers here too so they’ll be able to keep an eye on me. Maybe I’ll start bothering them though.”

BM had his head on her shoulder and leaned his head against hers.

“You’ll never bother me, but you can indeed do missions for freedom like that. When do you want to start on those missions?”

“As soon as possible.”

“Okay, you’ll have to work tonight though,” and BM ended with a kiss on her lips which deepened soon and left Somin out of breath once their lips left each other.

She got one step closer to freedom.

 


	8. Eight wants to leave

**Eight wants to leave**

Don’t look at me like that

Don’t come any closer

You need to let it go go

Leave me alone lone

Never want it to turn around

She knows the missions started once she sees the new face walking through the basement in the same way she walked once she got her first pieces of freedom.

Honestly, new faces weren’t that strange, considering the fact that the missions they did were life threatening from time to time which meant that once in a while someone wouldn’t return and that person needed a replacement. However, this new face was a woman, and next to herself there weren’t any women nor were they needed so that felt of. Her walking was like hers; wandering through the halls, trying to memorize everything her eyes would catch.

“You’re new here?”

“Yes.”

“Are you a replacement or here for something special?”

“I’m married to one of the people who listen to the boss.” _The girlfriend which went with him on holiday._

“Can I talk to you after I visited the boss? I kind of miss talking to other females.”

“Of course we can talk, I would like to get to know you. Honestly, living and working in a company with only males can be tiring, especially if they’re the kind that rather does things than talk about them.”

A laugh of _understanding_ rang through the hall and Somin walked away from her, continuing her way to her original destination; BM. He had once again requested for her presence.

He had been doing that a lot these past days; asking for her presence. Not for anything special, she just sat on his lap for an hour, listening to him talking, ranting if it was a bad day, or just watching what he was doing. He would kiss her cheek from time to time, showing his love for her but Somin just stayed there silently, not knowing what to do.

He closed the laptop (which Somin still felt bad for) and rolled their chair away from the desk, just to close Somin in his arms. She mentally shudders thinking about the times he forced them around her. His chin rests on her shoulder again and he starts speaking, which leaves a strange feeling with Somin, the movement of his jaw on her shoulder and his breath on her neck.

“I’ll have to do a mission tonight. Nothing dangerous, just supervising a mission that is too important to not take a look at.”

Time to actually use that little talent she has in acting.

A pout appeared on her face, “Can I wait for you to come home? You always held me until I fell asleep these past days, I’m afraid I can’t sleep if you don’t hold me…”

She felt as if she just threw up while talking.

He pecked her lips this time and pulled her even closer to his body. “Don’t do that, I’ll be home around three and I want you to sleep at times like that. If everything goes ok you’ll wake up next to me.”

She rather not.

They stayed that way for a bit until Somin tried to wiggle her out of his grip.

“Need to go somewhere?”

“I promised the new girl we would spent time together. You probably know her, the wife of one of your new guys.”

She can see him think and then he nods.

“I think I remember. Well, have fun with your girl time then.” He opens his arms so she can get up and pats her on her ass. Somin walks out of office with a wave and then hurries to her chamber without trying to alarm anyone.

The plan is quite simple. Somin will know when BM leaves since she’ll ask through messages if she can come wish him good luck before he leaves and then they’ll wait for an hour. They’ll meet up with the husband of the girl whose name was Jisoo, something that Somin learned after the actually conversed. The man, Jseph was the name he worked under, would meet with him at the entrance of the building and they would use the excuse of “We girls need time together, shopping is the best for that” and they would allow them to since Jseph was going with them.

And as planned did it go.

Somin was finally free.

-

“She left together with Jisoo and Jseph, just as planned.”

“Ok. We’ll let her have her fun for now.”


	9. Nine doesn't want to let you go

**Nine doesn’t want to let you go**

Don’t look at me like that

Don’t push me away no more

I gave you all my love

All of my love love

Never want to let you go

Living in secret wasn’t exactly an easy thing.

Try finding someone that will rent you a place without a copy of your ID and all the other things. Forget that, try finding a job that won’t ask for a copy of your card and ID.

Let’s just say that starting a new life wasn’t as simple as Somin had imagined.

(  “Why can’t we just ask someone to make a fake ID for us?”

    Silence.

   “Somin, dear, who makes fake ID’s?”

   “People from the black market. I’m not dumb.”

   “Who is the person we’re trying to hide from?”

   “Ma- _Oh_.”

   “Yes, oh. If we go to the black market the people there wouldn’t hesitate for one second to rat us         out.”

   Silence.)

In the end they found a house to live in; a grandma lived in a house she thought was way too big to just live alone and was desperate for liveliness in her house so she didn’t question the youngsters when they said that they couldn’t show their ID. She didn’t say anything either when they told her that they couldn’t pay for the rent of the first month.

( “Don’t worry, if you can all help me out with the house it would be enough for the first month. I have a big garden and house which is too hard for me to clean so I would be grateful if you could do that for me.”

“Of course we can do that!” )

They’ve been living like this for two months and Somin found a job as, once again, waitress, but this time in a restaurant that wasn’t as “well known” in the way the restaurant was she worked at first.

While her first one was known for its renowned cooking and always good reviews was this one known for being in the shady part of the town, yet not allowing any shady business inside the walls of their restaurant so Somin could work there without any problems.

**To: boss**

She has been working 5 shifts the past week. She’ll return in an hour from her current shift and will work 4 shifts next week.

**From: boss**

Make sure she doesn’t work too much

**To: boss**

Yes sir.

“Bye!”

“Till next time!”

Somin walked out of the restaurant, closing the door behind her a little too hard because of the wind and trying to keep her hair on the place it was supposed to be but it didn’t work, which made her bump into someone.

She took a step back, apologized and tried to walk away again since she was supposed to go unnoticed by everyone since she didn’t know who worked for BM and who didn’t but her plan didn’t really work. After one step she was grabbed by the wrist and turned around, forced to come eye to eye with the male she bumped into.

“I knew it, you’re the boss’ girl right?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She bit in the man’s hand – he tasted horrible – and turned around, walking as fast without running or making people notice her. She looked back a few times but the male hadn’t followed her to her surprise but she was happy with that, she rather have him not follow her for no reason which was suspicious than have him follow him and end her freedom. She could worry about him later.

**To: boss**

I saw her

**From: boss**

When.

**To: boss**

Literally bumped into her after she finished her work. She looked good.

Bit me though.

**From: boss**

You better didn’t hurt her.

**To: boss**

No sir, I’m the only one hurt.

Somin returned with an “I’m home~!” and got greeted by her house owner, who she learned to call grandma. “Welcome home dear, come sit with me and drink a cup of tea.” She followed the voice and ended up in the living room where the older woman already filled two cups with tea. She took the seat in front of grandma and blew her tea, hoping that it would cool fast since she was thirsty.

“How was your shift?” Grandma asked once she was done sipping her tea.

“It was nice, a lot of people and quite some tips,” she answered and turned around to get the money out of her pocked to give it to grandma as thank you.

Grandma caught on the idea and shook her head. “Sweetie, I don’t need your money. I only need your company.”

“But-,” she got interrupted.

“Don’t worry dear. You really remind me of the fiancé of my grandson, always happy, never hesitating to work and cared a lot about everyone.”

Somin smiled. “The fiancé  sound really nice.”

“She was. If I only got to meet her..” Grandma started sipping her tea again and was visibly sad.

The silence between them was broken by the ringing of the doorbell.

“Can you let them in for me? I’m quite tired.”

Somin nodded and stood up. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Somin!” She turned around when her name was called by grandma. “If it’s my grandson you should let him in.” She smiled, “will do!”

The stairs were still slightly wet from the cleaning Jiwoo did earlier that day which made Somin almost fall but she reached the door without hurting herself.

She unlocked the door, trying to hurry since the visitor has been waiting for quite some bit and smiled when she finally got the door to open. “Hello,” but the smile that graced her face while she said that disappeared as soon as she saw who was standing in front of her.

“Good to see you too.”

Goddamnit. Matthew.


	10. Ten haunts me like a ghost

Ten haunts me like a ghost

Don’t recall when

We were good together.

Haunts me like a ghost

Like there will be no tomorrow.

Heart pounding moments (No No No No No)

Don’t mean a thing anymore

Stop, I don’t recall

“What were you thinking?! Did you honestly think that I would let you go? You fucking know that your goddamn place is next to me!”

Even if Somin wanted to answer, she couldn’t. BM has her in between his own body and the wall, his strong hands around her throat.

He comes a step closer and pushes her high against the wall. “Tell me, sweetheart, did you think you would be happy without me? Hiding for the rest of your live? Living with those two in that house?” He throws an ugly look at Jiwoo and Jseph.

“Did you really think they would help you and betray me in order to do that?”

Somin’s eyes widen once she finally gets how they were found. Her eyes tear up but she doesn’t know if it is because of what she just found out or the lack of air she gets because of BM’s arms around her, choking her. A sting that feels like an electricity shock goes through her head and she knows it’s because of the lack of air. She had her hands around BM’s wrist to keep her body up and lessen the pain but now she’s slapping against the wrist, forcing her nails in his skin with her other and when BM still doesn’t let go she starts waving around with her arms, trying to sign that the air really is getting too little.

Instead of letting her go, BM grins. “I’ll give you some air, sweetheart,” and he kisses her. Somin does get air from BM’s kiss, but it’s too little to make her feel alright again, that with the fact that she wants to throw up because of the kiss doesn’t make her light-headedness better.

BM isn’t choking her anymore so she pushes him away, finally breathing in fresh air again. She stays but bows her body slightly, trying to get rid of the nauseous feeling. Once it has disappeared she goes up again and ignores BM, who is once again smirking, in favour of Jiwoo and Jseph.

They’re kneeling on the ground and watched the whole ordeal until Somin turned to them, now looking at the ground. Somin doesn’t know what to do so she just let’s her feelings out, but she doesn’t expect her to go this far.

“I thought I could trust you guys! I TRUSTED YOU GUYS WITH MY FUCKING LIFE! You guys were what I saw as a chance to get back to my normal life! A life where I would be happy again! SOMEWHERE BM WOULDN’T HAUNT ME, SOMEWHERE I COULD LIVE IN HAPPINESS! I wanted it back, I WANTED IT BACK!” Somin wanted to talk about it, but she can’t hold herself back, she has to scream it at them. She feels so fucking betrayed. They were her last hope, she trusted them, she saw them as friend.

“Didn’t you guys see me as a friend too?! Or was I the only one that felt that way?? Those two months were filled with happiness. They might have been hard but I was happy, with you guys! I did not expect that my so called friends” Jiwoo and Jseph flinch, ”were telling every single thing to the person I was running away from! I thought we had a goddamn future!”

The tears are back and Somin crumbles to the ground, shaking, the tears pouring down from her face and she’s coughing, screaming, trying to breath; everything and once but nothing seems to work.

A pair of arms embrace her and everything stops.

♥

Somin is lying in the fluffy white bed; the same room as she stayed in before and Jiwoo is sitting on a chair next to her bed.

She stares at the wall and then opens her mouth.

“Why did you do it?”

“I just wanted the best for both of you. You don’t remember but I’ve been at your place before for a dinner. I’ve been friends with BM ever since he joined this industry and I know how much he loves you. I just wanted to make you both happy.”

Yet Somin is everything but happy.


	11. Eleven doesn't recall

**Eleven doesn’t recall**

Don’t mean a thing anymore

Stop, I Don’t recall

 

I'm like a person that's turned into a doll

all alone in a big,  white dollhouse

my master doesn't play with me,

and neither does he let me out.

 

The people that turned me

into a doll are outside,

wanting to play with me,

talk to me,  beg for forgiveness,

but I'm just a mere doll

in a big white dollhouse,

waiting till the master who I hate,

hate from the depth of my heard,

commands me to do something.

I lost my freedom because of them, 

turned in a forgotten doll

in a big,  white dollhouse,

because of them.

 

Sometimes,  my master visits

the big,  white dollhouse,

he visits me,

he takes me in his arms,

and whispers sweet things in my ear,

because I'm his sweetheart,

but those things, 

those thing don't make my heart race anymore,

they might have made my heart race in the past,

but now I'm just a doll

in a big,  white dollhouse,

whose heart doesn't race anymore, 

not because of things like that.

I'm just a doll

in a big,  white dollhouse, 

all alone,  all forgotten by all the outsiders,

waiting until somebody plays with me,

_or sets me free._


	12. Twelve actually means it

**Twelve actually means it**

You don’t mean it

I know know know know know know

(I don’t recall)

Say you don’t mean those words

Babyyy I can’t let you go

(Just let me go now)

Can’t let you go (no no no)

(no no no no)

Don’t mean a thing anymore

Stop, I don’t recall

Somin really was a doll in a big white dollhouse.

She wasn’t allowed to do anything and with her allowed activities decreasing, it decreased the sparkle in her eyes and the words that left her mouth.

Her bed sheets were thrown of her bed, just like her pillow. Somin laid there in a white night gown, so white and clean that you wouldn’t dare to wear it and make it possible dirty, but Somin wore it. Wore it a lot. It was the only thing she wore these past weeks and even though it would get washed every time she was forced to take a shower, the idea of wearing the same thing wouldn’t be pleasing for anyone.

But Somin didn’t care anymore.

The only request BM fulfilled after she “came back home”, as BM likes to call it, was a bigger window, so when she laid on the bed that was just as soft as when she got it, she could look out of it and watch the world outside.

Her bed might still be as soft but it wasn’t as satisfying anymore.

She might have a big window but the was little life happening, so there was little to observe.

Next to that she couldn’t join it anyways, so why observe it?

It was apparently dinner time already since the door swung open and BM entered with a plate filled with food in one hand and a glass with cutely clutched between his fingers in the other.

“Somin, sweetheart, it’s time for dinner.”

Silence was the response he got, but he didn’t say anything of it; it had been like this for the past few weeks.

He put everything on the nightstand and he sat on Somin’s bed. Somin was still looking outside the window so BM turned her around, pulling her torso up so she sat up straight.  He pushed her body against the head of the bed and turned back to the nightstand to pick up the plate.

He picked up some food with his fork and put it in front of Somin’s lips, like a mother would feed her child, waiting for Somin to open her lips.

But she didn’t.

He waited seconds, minutes and longer until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“I might have tolerated your silence to some level,” the anger in his voice would have let shivers run over Somin’s body, but now her body doesn’t shiver anymore. “But I won’t tolerate you acting like this. Open your mouth!” His voice raised at the end, he was almost screaming.

But Somin didn’t.

And BM couldn’t handle it anymore.

He put his hand around her jaw and pushed his fingers on the skin where teeth would meet, pushing her mouth open and as soon as it was open, he put the food in it. “Chew.”

But she didn’t chew.

If BM was angry before he’s furious now, letting Somin know by not just raising his voice but outright screaming.

“Do you want to fucking die?!”

He expected no response like always but he got one.

“Yes, I want to die.”

It left BM speechless. His anger disappeared for one second to be replaced by shock, but it returned just as fast. “If you want to die I’ll fucking kill you!”

He pushed his body fully on the bed, now practically sitting on her lap and his hands found her neck, stopping the breath flow and it didn’t take long for Somin to black out.

His eyes took in every detail of Somin laying on the bed and then he left.

♥

“Will you ever forgive us?”

Jiwoo and Jseph visited again. They’re allowed to, since BM thought they could keep Somin company and bring her back to her “normal” self but they received the same silent treatment as he had gotten these past few weeks.

Until now.

“There is a way,” Somin’s voice was muffled because of the fact that her face was pushed into the mattress. They both stood up from the chairs they were sitting on and knelt down next to Somin’s bed, giving her all the attention they can to listen to her voice, something that became rare by now.

“How?” Jiwoo’s voice cracked.

A response came.

“Bring me a gun.”

And so they did.

♥

It was almost a week later and the door swung open again, BM entered. He expected nothing, just Somin laying on her bed staring out of the window, but he got everything.

She was sitting up straight, sheets over her legs and her hands disappearing under it; she was probably cold since winter was nearing and the heather wasn’t turned on once yet.

“Hello sweetheart.” 

A response. BM almost let the plate slip out of his hands.

“Hi _Matthew_ ,” Somin kicked the sheets of and stood, now with her hands crossed behind her back, which made her look incredibly cute, in BM’s opinion.

She walked up to him until she was one arm away and grinned. BM waited until she did something, something that indicated that she was her old self again.

The gun that was suddenly pointing at his head was not what he expected however.

And the click that followed was everything but that what he was waiting for.

_Bang._

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in the beginning of the year and finished it in the summer break. Since then I've written a lot more and improved a lot so my other stories are of higher quality than this one. Please look forward to my other stories


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